o yeah

I forgot to mention I did a cover for the first issue of an up and coming zine that is by/for artists, creatives, and anyone else that does anything sweet in Victoria. The first cover was chosen but I'm posting the second one anyway because I made it when I was sick as fuck and I like it. There is an interview with me inside, so if you're in Victoria on April first you should go to the launching party at Camus Books and get us both a copy because I don't live in Victoria anymore. Or maybe I'll just go, we'll see.

WIP

poss new tape cover. not sure what I want to do with it, but something

323

It's been a while since I've posted anything explicit, or anything at all really, so here's a new post I guess! I considered either revamping the blog or trashing it altogether as I get the feeling every blog on this site is being phased out for something with a nicer layout, or more relevant. but it looks like for now I'll do neither of those things because I don't know where else to write.

NEWS IS AS FOLLOWS:
- got (more or less) homeless for a month
- went (more or less) insane due to forced radical lifestyle shift
- quit job
- moved in with best friend in Vancouver
- haven't looked for work since relocation

so in hindsight that was for the best. I needed to be forced out of that routine and I was. Got what I needed. Quitting and leaving was no question, much as there are some things I'll miss about Victoria. They needed to be missed. And the conditions of this current living arrangement are very accomodating. It's probably the best place I could be right now.
The couple weeks I've had off have definitely been a conscious decision. At first I wanted to be employed right away, get my foot in any door as soon as possible. Then I remembered how much I hate work, and how a lot of this move was meant to get me at least someone mentally on track before consuming myself with routine again. I don't know what I want to do as a profession. I want to continue making art, but wouldn't know how to make a living at it. I won't let that hinder my progress, but realistically I need to start with something on the side pretty promptly. I don't expect to get my dream job, nor do I know what my dream job even is. But I won't dumb myself down this time, or hold myself back. Even if i'm slinging coffees downtown with a cool staff for a while I don't give a fuck. I'm working hard for art, and if I manage to throw myself into something else I end up enjoying, that'll be cool. One thing I've talked about working on that I probably actually have to in order to survive is letting people like me, and vice versa.
I had a long set of ideologies that revolved around habitual scheduling and largly spending time away from everybody. And then I didn't. Rather, I couldn't. I had to rely on people to have patience for me and me to have patience enough to talk to them. I think what made it the worst is I didn't have a comfortable space to make anything, didn't have the tools handy I needed to vent all of my frustration and loathing into something I could look at and feel good about. Moreover I felt without all of these things I'd normally look to for security, I had to look to people. like, people to make me feel good. fucked up!
needless to say it's been weird and jarring and uncomfortable. Haven't felt quite myself since. So I guess from here I build on what's left. baggage doesn't get lighter when you travel, and that was never expected. In a lot of ways I'm glad I didn't just ditch life and chill abroad, because I wouldn't want to taint my experiences with the way I've been seeing things. Eiffel tower would've looked like a pile of shit. It should be saved for a time when i'll look to the places for inspiration because it's something I've always wanted and something that has potential to be more significant than anything could be to me now.
So, I don't know. I'm on the fence about how nice and social a person I can be. I fear at both ends of the spectrum I'll be too fucked to make anything; or anything of any worth. That is apparently my biggest concern, so I can only assume I'll work around it.

more on errything as it develops

new years made us this way

I wish I had more time to post. I guess I could've over the week I had off, but I didn't. To recap, I saw (almost)everyone I wanted to see over the holiday. And it was real good. Everyone includes kanye and jay z

Thanks to my favorite person of the year I got to slap him five(with the rest of the front 2 rows). It was emotionally exhausting. In a good way. Not something that I have the time to even describe right now. My failed attempt at competing with such a gift was buying him the Glow in the Dark biographical photo essay and drawing this picture

at least it was an effort. There was visiting home briefly and that's as nice as it is every year. there was new years, which was poorly planned but ended up being one of my favorites so far. i got this drunk with five people and didn't even stain my shirt

and also I found out I'll be doing an installation for the ministry of casual living on the 20th, so between working 40-48 hours a week at my retarded dayjob, and preparing everything I want to have prepared for the installation, there's been little time for anything. I'm approaching this display a lot more seriously than the last. I had no idea what the feedback would be like in Spring and also didn't really care because it was 70% just a house party, and the shit i submitted was mostly stuff i just had around the house. I'm actually having fun with this one. On a similar note, one of the few awesome people still surviving in poop town messaged me asking if I want to do some art for his line, in his shop which is the only good shop in poop town. So when I'm not sleeping, working, eating or painting something else I'm planning on doing that. Aside from those two things, the first quarter of 2012 will entail me attempting to get maybe a portfolio together, if not just to have an archive of my work. I've noticed it's all kind of just in piles around my house and that's not very practical. Maybe I'll do some submissions too. Anyways. I'll post you when more relevant stuff happens or I have the time to articulate some thoughts because I've had lots of them.

I had an actual post. With text and unnecessary condemning statements and everything, but I think instead of barfin' every fleeting thought as it comes to me I'll save them, and take notes. Nothing materializes of writing here. A few people read, mostly keep their thoughts to themselves and I continue on not having anything to show for it. There's no growth, nothing tangible, just exaggerated admission that I sometimes get the feeling unnerves some people. I think I'll try to incorporate some of the more relevant points into something. I got some half baked Ideas but those don't usually materialize either. I'm getting pretty ridiculous with lack of censorship in posting and I should probably think about the many bad lights I'm displaying myself in. I don't know if everybody takes into account that I only post when I have negative things to say, and that I don't think negative things the rest of the time I'm not writing. Just a reminder. As much as I don't care now, I might turn into a loser who regrets things later. god forbid. anyways if this creative preservation thing doesn't pan out you'll hear from me again soon and it will be pretty obvious if I've given up on it.
christmas is soon and that means lots of busy good stuff usually. also a transitional stage is overdue and maybe committing to things will be a resolution in the new year because growing up is the most fundamental part of growing up
c u later

thank god it's not Christmas

We're all solipsistic people. We don't acknowledge it, and most don't even grasp it firmly enough to admit it. but we are. Most of us.
We don't care about each other nearly as much as we care about how accommodating our own surroundings are. And achieving this level of comfort requires meaningful, heartfelt, or just convincing enough compassion. Being the confidant or expressing empathy.
Personal security requires some emotional investments in other people. It's a safe bet; people are cheap, the payoff is immediate, and if you play your cards right, long-lasting. We all pay through the teeth every day without even thinking about it.
I can't count the compliments I've given that I really couldn't tell I'd actually meant, except for the fact that they sounded both very nice and very true. The same goes for smacktalk. This doesn't make me a bad person, but I won't sit here and say it makes me a good person either. I'm just observant. and I often neglect my filters because emotional bias has no place in addressing the objective state of being. which apparently I really enjoy.
I could both deeply insult and profoundly compliment every remotely close friend I keep without a second thought.
This has it's benefits and handicaps, but abusing the most profitable one would be exploitation and I wouldn't like myself. And you don't seem like a sucker who likes being belittled. A person will believe anything you say to them about themselves as long as it's flattering, so I make pretty sure It's important and that (I think) I mean it. I'm an asshole to people I actually think something of because flattery is too easy. You have every right not to take it as a compliment. I just like acknowledging things. I'll work on it when it gets boring.

I'm aware this is all a very pessimistic viewpoint and not everyone's going to be open to it. But there are merits to it that I hope don't get overlooked just because it wrecks your boner.

in conclusion
solipsism: weird stuff !!

The cost of observation

hey! It's me again. David!
I'm coming here to confirm that everything I predicted about the change in season was right. I don't know if it triggers some form of lament and I impose some silly self destruction for that reason alone, but fall is always just batshit unpleasant. The difference this year is that I'm casually rolling with the punches. I don't feel overwhelmed but it certainly hasn't been the best year(month) of my life so far. The creative drive is back, and I'm always a little intrigued how the two uncannily correlate to each other.
I was reading a book yesterday
just kidding, it was a graphic novel. regardless I was reading a book yesterday.
It was quite enjoyable actually, I rarely find the time or patience to read text that isn't backlit. The book itself I wasn't actually big on. The art seemed dated, the kind of stuff you'd see framed in an equally dated and barren restaurant. Maybe even a mcdonalds. wasn't my thing. All of the text in the book was narrated from the perspective of a third party and being so, didn't warrant thought or dialogue bubbles, which was interesting.. but it was written pretty incredibly dryly. And intentionally dryly. y'know, so it's kinda charming?
anyway very little about the book actually engaged me until I noticed how well I could identify with the main character, who was a detached middle-aged bachelor, and succesful playwright. He was charmless and severly socially awkward. Deriving all of his inspiration from his own life observations and personal shortcomings. He was prolific, because he kept to himself, took notes on everything, and the few close relationships he held he squandered for his own personal gain; exploiting his brothers retardation in a (succesful)attempt to write and award-winning play. His mother and father hadn't spoken to him since, but to him it was worth the trouble because the playwright never wastes good material. ever.
And while the majority of the book was about his love/sex(or lack thereof) life and the interest in, the message was the same. It's about a distanced sexless creatively productive type, who later quits writing altogether in order to settle down and take part in the practice of life instead of the study. I don't know if it was intended, but the happy ending was depressing as hell. This dude was either in or of the world everyone else was living in, but had no option to do both

now I'll put this out on the table right now: I'm not middle aged. which means I don't claim to be in the cold and removed state of this character. But the fact remains that this old shithead was incredibly and comfortably relatable for me. Moreso than any youthful character in any other story. I've mentioned a lot before how I have a hard time switching gears from the loud social and thoughtlessly elated version of myself to the "work" version of myself. Whether it's going to my place of employment on a monday or just spending time alone for introspective reflection, or to work on a painting. The two are polar opposites, and they seem to clash when they get too close to each other. It only stands to reason that eventually one will overpower the other.

I'm not above the notion that this affliction is nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy. But the worry remains in the back of my head. I've never been creatively and socially active at the same time, so I stress that the conclusion is either or. With a personality like mine, the dichotomy isn't an accommodating one. Exploit your relationships, or embrace them. Live a happy and mediocre life , or a detached but revered one. blah blah or blah blah.

this is merely a stream of consciousness for now because I apparently have things to do today that aren't fixing drafts for myself to read. but it felt necessary to leave a reminder to draw a conclusion, eventually, before resigning myself to the fate of one or the other . I guarantee I take all advice with a dumptruck full of salt, but on this one if you can at all relate, you understand it's not as self imposed a dilemma as it sounds. drop me some hot cents if u got em